11.30.2005

id(ea)ls

we live our lives believing in one myth after another
sometimes its happiness sometimes love
sometimes its you and me
sometimes us and we

we dream a new fantasy every day
we think a negation to survive each morning

we build our own idols to escape our insufficiencies
we make our ideals as reflections of who we would want to be
and the ideals shatter
sooner or later reality dawns
and fantasy fades away in to nothingness

and then often we sit in a corner mourning our loss
we think of all that could have been
we live in a bitter sweet nostalgia
that stings every moment
but still is so very hard to let go of

i have followed the same course for long
i have mourned the loss of many ideals
i have witness the shattering of various idols

but i realized only today how very essential all this is
an ideal must fade away
every idol must be broken
existence is characterized by change
why worship the same god all your life

there is a 'sher' i have always found amusing
i think it fits here so very well

'yeh kia keh ik taur se guzre tamam umr
ji chahta hai ab koi teray siwa bhi ho'

11.29.2005

11.28.2005

wish list

some time back some one enlightenend me with a chinese saying

'as long as you want something it can never be truly yours and when you stop wanting it it's yours to keep'*

somehow this makes perfect sense today ... i guess overtime a lot of things start making sense ... am hoping someday life will start making sense too ... though i have a strong feeling that life will stop being that very day

*(yeah i know i get memory lapses so apologies for tormenting the soul of whoever came up with this to start with)

11.26.2005

sadness

read this on a random blog today

Sadness is a feeling that engulfs you... You cannot search for it nor can you deter it... it is addictive and once you are in it, you want to live with it... it's consoling yet it's heartwrenching.. you will want to let it go, yet you will wan to hold it tight... such is the dilemma of being sad..

11.12.2005

These are the days

Read this on the net today . . . .

These are the days
These are days you’ll remember
Never before and never since, I promise
Will the whole world be warm as this
And as you feel it,
You’ll know it’s true
That you are blessed and lucky
It’s true that you
Are touched by something
That will grow and bloom in you

These are days that you’ll remember
When May is rushing over you
With desire to be part of the miracles
You see in every hour
You’ll know it’s true
That you are blessed and lucky
It’s true that you are touched
By something that will grow and bloom in you

These are days
These are the days you might fill
With laughter until you break
These days you might feel
A shaft of light
Make its way across your face
And when you do
Then you’ll know how it was meant to be
See the signs and know their meaning
It's true
Then you’ll know how it was meant to be
Hear the signs and know they’re speaking
To you, to you

(author unknown)

11.11.2005

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

Read this some time back ... the following seem so very true today

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes; 25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate; 30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go 35
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair— 40
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]
Do I dare 45
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons, 50
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all— 55
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways? 60
And how should I presume?

(
T.S. Eliot)

11.07.2005

so it is . .

In idle moments I think of you and wonder if we gave up too soon,
In solitude I trace out memories of times spent with you.
I tire myself out with endless activities during the day,
The distractions of the workplace help take my mind off you.
At night I drop dead on the covers and watch your shadow slip away.
I know you will fade away as I drift off to sleep,
I know you will be forever gone before dawn.

At times I sit down and rationalize it all.
I know where you are coming from,
I understand your limitations.
Strange as it may seem,
I recognize the demons inside your head.
I have no regrets about what happened.
I do not look back in despair at all.

The only thought that jolts me now and then,
Is whether you were worth hanging on to?
Whether I walked off too soon,
Whether we let go too soon,
So very soon?

11.04.2005

The road ahead . .

Today the road ahead appears unbearably long. The journey seems painfully mundane. I know there are many destinations out there. But today not a single one is temptation enough: whatever the days to come have to offer fails to entice me. I feel without aim and purpose. I feel content in a way that I find myself aloof to all I have.

Once again I feel life has not much to offer. It somehow never did. I have come so far only by self deception. I have formulated one goal after another. I have pursued one dream after another. Some dreams materialized, others lost meaning. Some destinations were reached, others abandoned.

Today I feel without the desire to go on. As per this moment I feel without reason to keep going.

I find myself indifferent to the world around me. The oblivion of the existence within me makes my being hollower than ever.

I feel at ease and yet so very restless. I find my self fulfilled and yet so very dissatisfied.

I am discontented enough to be unhappy. While at the same time I am satisfied enough to not desire a change.

I feel I am too tired. The last few months have worn me out. I feel myself burning out. And as the last flames flicker I have no desire to either extinguish my dwelling or bring on a new meaning of suffering.

I feel abstraction escaping thought once again. I feel emotion escaping my rationality once again. I feel taken aback by my own deceit. I have come too far in pretense. I have taken on too many covers to hide who I really am. And today as I try to reveal my true color I find no clue of the face I once new. I tear off veil after veil. I rip off one cover after another. And yet every time I see an alien within me. I reveal a new stranger every time. The farther I go in this pursuit the more estranged I feel. Every step forward makes the journey longer. Every attempt to uncover reality makes delusion more evident.

I feel lost today. I feel at a loss today.

I have survived the worst. I have come out a survivor for the world around me. I have fought all my battles alone and convinced my self of uncelebrated victories. And yet today I feel empty.

All the conflicts remain. All the battlefields appear ready. But there is no fighting. There is no one to fight with. All my demons have disappeared. All my ideals have disintegrated. There is no one, absolutely no one, to fight with. There is no reason, no reason at all, to fight for.

I have returned after so long to reclaim all that was mine. I have returned after so long with the courage to face all that I could not accept. And today there is nothing new left to accept. It is all the same, same as ever, same as the way I do not like it. And for some odd reason I am not disturbed. I am just not concerned anymore. My state is apathetic. My cause lost. And I feel no pain. I feel no anxiety. No concern at all. Not even the curiosity of a bystander.