The road ahead . .

Today the road ahead appears unbearably long. The journey seems painfully mundane. I know there are many destinations out there. But today not a single one is temptation enough: whatever the days to come have to offer fails to entice me. I feel without aim and purpose. I feel content in a way that I find myself aloof to all I have.

Once again I feel life has not much to offer. It somehow never did. I have come so far only by self deception. I have formulated one goal after another. I have pursued one dream after another. Some dreams materialized, others lost meaning. Some destinations were reached, others abandoned.

Today I feel without the desire to go on. As per this moment I feel without reason to keep going.

I find myself indifferent to the world around me. The oblivion of the existence within me makes my being hollower than ever.

I feel at ease and yet so very restless. I find my self fulfilled and yet so very dissatisfied.

I am discontented enough to be unhappy. While at the same time I am satisfied enough to not desire a change.

I feel I am too tired. The last few months have worn me out. I feel myself burning out. And as the last flames flicker I have no desire to either extinguish my dwelling or bring on a new meaning of suffering.

I feel abstraction escaping thought once again. I feel emotion escaping my rationality once again. I feel taken aback by my own deceit. I have come too far in pretense. I have taken on too many covers to hide who I really am. And today as I try to reveal my true color I find no clue of the face I once new. I tear off veil after veil. I rip off one cover after another. And yet every time I see an alien within me. I reveal a new stranger every time. The farther I go in this pursuit the more estranged I feel. Every step forward makes the journey longer. Every attempt to uncover reality makes delusion more evident.

I feel lost today. I feel at a loss today.

I have survived the worst. I have come out a survivor for the world around me. I have fought all my battles alone and convinced my self of uncelebrated victories. And yet today I feel empty.

All the conflicts remain. All the battlefields appear ready. But there is no fighting. There is no one to fight with. All my demons have disappeared. All my ideals have disintegrated. There is no one, absolutely no one, to fight with. There is no reason, no reason at all, to fight for.

I have returned after so long to reclaim all that was mine. I have returned after so long with the courage to face all that I could not accept. And today there is nothing new left to accept. It is all the same, same as ever, same as the way I do not like it. And for some odd reason I am not disturbed. I am just not concerned anymore. My state is apathetic. My cause lost. And I feel no pain. I feel no anxiety. No concern at all. Not even the curiosity of a bystander.