Uncertainty

For a while I thought despair arises from uncertainty. The unknown haunts the self as the consequences of today’s actions lie beyond the grasp of the mind. But is it really so? What am I uncertain about now? Now that things are settled and I know what I am doing and where it might lead me … what is left to be uncertain about? College is over. I have a job. In fact I have two jobs. Jobs that I like: work that I enjoy and it pays well too. What am I so desperate for now?

The restlessness remains and so does the hollowness within. Where do I rush to now? Where do I seek an escape now? I wanted control over my life. I have it now. I am self sufficient and independent. Why the empty feeling again; why the same discontent again today?

I have told myself many a times that it is the pursuit of ones goals that makes any achievement worthwhile. I have believed often that it is the journey towards a destination that makes the destination worth moving towards. I set achievable goals for myself. And no matter how distant or uncertain today seemed yesterday, things are settled now. I have achieved what I wanted or rather I have achieved more, much more than I wanted or expected. I wonder why then the same feeling of nothingness. My being has translated into a meaningful presence. My dreams have materialized into outcomes that I can see all around. Why I am not satisfied then?

I have told friends time and again that one must have something to live for; a hope or a dream to worship, a rainbow to follow. Could it be that I need to find new hopes and dreams? Could it be the lack of new goals that makes me feel without purpose? I guess I need to sight another rainbow. I need to find another destination. I need a new wish. A wish for what I want tomorrow to bring. And once I have set new goals and managed faith enough to follow them I will have peace.

But would it be so? New dreams will bring new uncertainties and I will find myself struggling against my own pessimism. So where do I end up? Where does this road lead? Where do I see myself in the days to come? Do I see myself without purpose or searching for a purpose with little hope of finding one? On one hand I dread the thought of nothingness on the other hand I cannot bear to feel the hollowness within any longer. I need to make another choice, another decision and overcome the consequent uncertainty. May be this is all there is to life. May be life really is a string of choices; decisions whose consequences only tomorrow will reveal. And till the outcomes become visible I can only struggle with the strength of my faith and the despair of my limitations.

I must take up another quest; a quest that will bring hardship and despair. But I must be strong. Only the strength of my will can liberate me from where I find myself today. And I must get past today. I must get past what I cannot bear today for tomorrow will be a better day. And I must not let tomorrow slip away, I must not let what tomorrow might bring slip away.