Eighteen months in an alien land and I still find myself neither here not there. I have been home twice in this eighteen month period. About three weeks each time. The first time was after four months in the 'land of opportunity', the second time was after a year long stretch here. My first trip was a cherished reinforcement of nostalgia and respite. I was glad to be home and in the company of people I care most for in my life. It was not just about returning to family and friends that gave meaning to my return. It was the city and its familiarity. The key word here is familiarity.
Familiarity that was lost upon my second trip home. My family was split. My husband in US and my parents back home, I feel suspended between continents. My soul found solace neither here nor there. To add to this, most of my friends were no longer in the familiar city I call home. And then of course, the city has changed. The air, the wind and the rain of my city have changed. The monsoon and the winter fog have changed. The very rules of association within my home have change. The motherland is no longer the same.
After finding my way from the proud national of a country I resided in for the first 25 years of my life to a alien resident of a land that offers immense order and opportunity, I am now troubled by where my home really is. Blood and belonging are problematic. My blood is from a land far far away. I belong here with a man I have chosen to live my life with.
Again, this is too hasty a simplification. In the past two years so much has changed. I have changed. My home, my nation, my country have changed. My life and my life plan have changed. I came here for an academic degree and the intention to return to my homeland. Finding abode amidst the wilderness of this alien continent was not part of the plan. Falling in love with and marrying a compatriot settled here was not part of the plan. Ever rethinking my intention and desire to return home was not part of the plan. Most of all not having a plan at all was not part of the plan.
2.04.2008
The Sojourner
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4 comments:
I understand the dilemma that you face in its myriad complexities. I am going through the same situation. I use humour to describe my experiences; but underlying all that is the same feelings and confusion.
right on the money...
I'm glad you left a comment on my post since it led me here to read this.
I was engaged with what you wrote and love the way you choose to think. I'm sure I'll find out what country you are from after reading more, but I like reading something that gives me something to think about.
Sometimes the best experiences of our lives are the ones unplanned. We grow, we learn, and we keep broadening our mind and perspective. It is rarely the easiest thing to do, but it's something you will most likely never regret.
Being of two lands opens you up to so many new experiences, but also broadens you to your own heritage (I think).
Thanks again for your comment. I had to say something when I read your blog. :)
You are a talented writer. This was very touching. I can really sense the inner struggle you are going through.
It reminds me of the mother character in the movie The Namesake.
My husband is also not from the US. He has been here a little over 10 years now, but I think sometimes he still feels as you do. You will always have ties to your homeland, but I hope that with time, you will feel more at home here, too.
Peace.
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