post-merlin

The nights are long,

The mornings cold,

And the days dull.

Evenings stretch on endlessly,

And a heaviness weighs me down.

I know tomorrow will be a better day,

But at the moment it seems too far away

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I did not want to get out of bed today. I did not want to come to work. The toothpaste tasted bitter as I brushed my teeth. The water splash on my face pierced deep and cold.

The music from the speakers sounded like mere noise. All the colors in the wardrobe seemed equally dull.

The wheat crackers on the shelf remained aloof. Even a sip of water was a dreary thought.

I pulled myself together. I dragged my mass out of the house.

The ride on the way kept jolting my soul. I felt my nerves trembling with every bump.

I reached work in a numb state of mind.

I feel like a cushion today. I am soft to touch and nice to hold but I feel no affection in your embrace.

I taught for three hours. I said words I could not hear. I heard words I could not understand. I walked around the class. I watched over work I had assigned. Often I could not read what was written. Often I could not hear people calling to me.

I left the school at the same time as always. I hate being part of this routine.

The ride to the office was better than the morning commute. I found myself touched by unintended affection.

I asked a rickshaw driver how much he will charge. He said ‘aap jo bhi day dein baji’. I have heard this many a times before. I pressed him for a figure. He did not give in. I felt touched by his reluctance to be bothered.

I grabbed a sandwich on the way to work. Once at the office I paid him all the change I had. It was not a lot but it was more than I pay otherwise. It is trivial to even think about it. But it is shocking how one can be touched by things so insignificant. At times when we are vulnerable even the slightest things sink in deep. I think I am too numb to take note of the calamities around me yet too susceptible to overlook the slightest signs of humanity.