dommy maddy

I do not want to be a hostage to your shadow. I do not want to live my life standing behind the bars of your fears. I do not want my vision of the world to be tainted by your dreams. I do not want to be a prisoner of your experience.

I know you have made me who I am. I know you have invested a life time in me.

I know all these years you have stood by me. I know you have always given me all that I needed. I know you have always wanted the best for me.

I have taken from you all that you had to offer. I have given to you a lot that you did not deserve.

But I just want you to accept me for who I am. I just need you to understand that I am a person of my own. I have a mind and will of my own. And if you force me to fit the frame you have built for me. I will stop being me. That very moment I will stop being everything that makes me who I am.

I do not want to be an ungrateful child. I do not want to leave you when you need me the most. I do not want to betray your love.

I want to shine under your gaze. I want to blossom in the warmth of your smile.

I only want to be able to love you my own way.

post-merlin

The nights are long,

The mornings cold,

And the days dull.

Evenings stretch on endlessly,

And a heaviness weighs me down.

I know tomorrow will be a better day,

But at the moment it seems too far away

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I did not want to get out of bed today. I did not want to come to work. The toothpaste tasted bitter as I brushed my teeth. The water splash on my face pierced deep and cold.

The music from the speakers sounded like mere noise. All the colors in the wardrobe seemed equally dull.

The wheat crackers on the shelf remained aloof. Even a sip of water was a dreary thought.

I pulled myself together. I dragged my mass out of the house.

The ride on the way kept jolting my soul. I felt my nerves trembling with every bump.

I reached work in a numb state of mind.

I feel like a cushion today. I am soft to touch and nice to hold but I feel no affection in your embrace.

I taught for three hours. I said words I could not hear. I heard words I could not understand. I walked around the class. I watched over work I had assigned. Often I could not read what was written. Often I could not hear people calling to me.

I left the school at the same time as always. I hate being part of this routine.

The ride to the office was better than the morning commute. I found myself touched by unintended affection.

I asked a rickshaw driver how much he will charge. He said ‘aap jo bhi day dein baji’. I have heard this many a times before. I pressed him for a figure. He did not give in. I felt touched by his reluctance to be bothered.

I grabbed a sandwich on the way to work. Once at the office I paid him all the change I had. It was not a lot but it was more than I pay otherwise. It is trivial to even think about it. But it is shocking how one can be touched by things so insignificant. At times when we are vulnerable even the slightest things sink in deep. I think I am too numb to take note of the calamities around me yet too susceptible to overlook the slightest signs of humanity.

i am a simple soul

I am a simple soul. I believe in who I am. I say what I feel. I refuse to let thought adulterate impulse. I refuse to practice restraint. I believe in letting go. I believe in being me for you. I cannot put on a bold face. I will not act as who I am not.

I have lived all my life fighting to be who I am today. I will not give it up. I will not give it up even if it costs me you.

You walked in at your own will. I will not hold you back from walking away. It was my decision to let you in. I will not stop you from taking the way out.

I am honest in my word. I practice what I think. I express what I feel. I will not let fear of loss put any barriers on my instinct.

often, i imagine myself running

Often I imagine myself running. At times I am running through a crowd but more often I see myself running all alone. I feel out of breath and tired. Mostly, I feel drained to the point of dropping dead from exhaustion. Rarely, I feel tempted to take a break and catch up on my breath. May be sit down for a few idle moments and store up some energy for the journey ahead. But the journey is too long and I have too little time. So I must not stop. I keep telling myself not to stop. I keep pushing myself to run on.

I run on and on. And yet the road ahead seems never ending. I try to focus on what lies ahead and ignore all that I pass on my way.

I feel thirsty and alone. I feel hungry and cold. But I must not stop. I have come so far. I must not stop now.

In moments of despair I feel I am running in vain.

At times it seems I am getting somewhere but the illusion soon fades away.

Yet day and night, hour after hour I keep running.