Survival

I have never really believed in survival for the sake of survival; living for just being born and moving forward just to come to an end. The desire to witness the end of the road has always been there. At times the yearning to escape grew so strong that the hollowness of quitting appeared more promising than what tomorrow could bring. May be this is so because tomorrow is always a step farther than today. And if one can turn back today the journey seems much shorter. But is it really so. Is it really so simple to bring to an end what started without desire and has progressed farther and farther many a times without will?

I have wondered about life often about the injustice of birth and the tyranny of a life refusing to embrace death. I have hated survival time and again. If only letting go was easier. If only death was a solution more achievable than life itself. Denial is a tentative solution. Its fruits are as bitter as those of pretense. I have tried it still though only to discover its reality for myself. I think I do not give in easily once it comes to the question of giving up life. At times I thought I can never escape the ambivalence of living for nothing or dying for all that I believe in. I tried to convince to myself that if I believe in something strong enough to die for it then may be I should just live to prove that what I believe in is really worthy. But then for how long can one just keep wandering in a desert.

I do not believe in miracles though there was a time when I did. There was a time when I fell prey to the deceit of every mirage. Oasis! I tried to convince myself every time I came across a hope of life and as soon as my conviction to not believe gave in the new found faith in something better shattered. Ah! Such is life. Such is this supposed creation of a Divinity characterized by perfection. What perfection can one seek from a being so tainted by imperfection? Why does one need a Divine character at all? Why expect perfection from imperfection. Why not just let things be? Let things be and accept life as it is: imperfect.

I live an imperfect life. Life is imperfect. That is the way it is and always will be. Why do I need an imperfect Divinity to believe in. why do I need to carve an idol that I will only shatter myself in time. My first mistake was to make an idol to seek refuge from all I refused to accept. The second one was to worship that idol to an extent that it shattered my faith in myself. It is time now to take recourse; to pull myself together and embrace reality. I do not need an idol to worship. I must shatter the idol I carved. I must shatter the Divinity I created. I must wipe off the symptoms of my own imperfection. I must move on.