I feel I am waking up

I feel I am waking up
Coming out of a slumber that lasted too long
I open my eyes to see day light breaking in to the room
Is it the bright sun streaks that color my vision?
Or is it merely switching on of the yellow light bulb
That startled me out of another reverie

I look around
Hoping to look up to you
Will you take my hand?
Will you guide me through this mire?
I extend my hand to you
Hoping to feel your warmth in my palm
And your strength in my fingers
The tactile feeling of association
A reflection of security and calm

Oh but I do not see you
Today I do not feel you
You are not there
May be you never were
But today I feel your not being there
Today I see your absence
I realize the hollowness within
The emptiness that surrounds me

I close my eyes again
Trying to escape to another fantasy
No
Not again
It does not work any more
I open my eyes before idealism can take on
I shake my head as to snap out of a dream

Is this a dream?
Is reality as abstract as fantasy?
Is being as subjective as thought?
Am I as transient as the moments passing by?
Is the darkness I feel a creation of my own mind?
Is the light outside mere imagination?

I move my hand to exercise existence
I lift it to feel my face
Is this my face?
Does it feel like my face?
I feel my fingers touching skin
I rub them on one spot after the other
They feel flesh
They feel a body mass
Why do I not feel it?
Why do I not feel my fingers?
Why does it not feel like my face?

I lift my hand in front of my closed eyes
I open them with hesitation
What if I fail to see my hand?
What if my hand fails to reflect light enough to make itself visible?
I see a shadow
A shadow of movement
Am I moving my hand?
Is my hand moving at all?

I part my lips to utter a sound
I strain my ears to hear my own voice
I wait and wait
Yet nothing
Nothing at all
No sound
No sight
No feeling

I feel a tingling feeling in my feet
I bend my head to look at them
Nothing
Nothing again
All I see are feet
Nothing but just my plain feet
Why the tingling?
Why then a feeling?

I lift my legs from the bed
Pressing them down on the floor
Is the floor cold?
I feel my feet are cold
I feel I am cold

I try to stand up
My legs fail me
I try harder
Pressing my weight down my knees
My knees feel weak
My legs feel shaky

I turn my head to search support
Find something to hold
Find a thing to grab
Nothing again
Nothing around
Nothing near or away

I try again
Wishing myself to stand
Wishing harder
Closing my eyes again I press myself down
I kneel down on the floor
I must move
I must get out of here

I start crawling
Crawling away from where I am
Crawling towards somewhere else
Somewhere away from here
I crawl towards the door
Yes the door
The way out
The escape from here
My way out of here
Today I will move out of here

I reach out for the door handle
Lifting my arm with effort
Why does everything seem so slow
Why is my body so numb?
I search for the knob
The knob that will open that door
That will open this door to close forever
Yes I will close this door forever
Once I am out I will close it
I will close it behind me
And I will never
I will never open it again
I tell myself to close it after me
To never open it again
Yes never...never open it again

The knob
Yes the knob
Where is the knob
I cannot find the knob
I press my fingers on the door
Searching all over for the knob
My knees failing me again
I sit down
Letting my legs rest for a while
My hand keeps looking for the knob
Why can I not find it?
Why can I not see the knob?
Why can I not see the door?
The door
Yes the door
The door that was just here
The door that was to open
The door that was to take me out

I shake my head again
I must be dreaming again
I must not lose sight again
I must find the door
I must keep looking for the door
I look around me
Look all around me
All over the walls

I can see the walls
All of them
How many
I should count how many
One
I can see one wall
And just one wall
Why can I not see the walls?
The other walls
Where did the other walls go?
There are no others walls
I look again
There really are no other walls
Just one
One wall
One that stretches all over the place
That bends around the corners
The corners
Where are the corners
There are no corners
There really are no corners

Why
Why no corners
Why just one wall
Oh
There is just one wall
There are no corners
I am in no room
I am in a different room
A room with no walls
A room enclosed by no walls
Oh its round
The room is round
I am in a circle
No
I am in no circle
It’s a sphere
I am in a sphere
I am inside a sphere

How did I get in here?
No
Wrong question
How do I get out of here?
Yes how do I get out?
Think
Thinking
I am thinking
I am in a sphere and I must get out
I must get out

My eyes feel heavy
My body is giving in
Why do I always give in?
I hate giving in
I cannot sit
I feel tired
I must lie down
I let myself lose
I let myself fall down
I am falling
Falling in a sphere
The sphere is moving
It keeps moving
And I keep falling down

Close your eyes
Yes
I should close my eyes
I close my eyes
Think of a room
A room with walls
A room with corners
A room with a door
Yes a door
A door with a knob
Now look for the knob
Look harder
There must be a knob
Good
You found the knob
Now reach for it
Try harder
Yes I know it’s hard
Try to reach for the knob
I found it
The knob
Yes
I found the knob
Turn it
Quick turn it
I feel it getting out of my grip
No
Do not let it slip away
No
No
Do not open your eyes
Focus on the knob
Turn it
Turn it more
Yes
Keep turning it
Keep turning it
The door will open
The door must open
Keep trying
Keep turning the knob
Yes I am
I am trying
I am turning the knob
I will get out
Today I will get out
I will open the door and get out
I will close it
The door
I will close the door behind me
I will never return
Once I get out I will never return
Yes I will never return.