Today !

I have been living in the dark too long, so long that I started believing there is nothing more out there. As I stepped forward to embrace the darkness, a tiny flash of light stole away all grace from the black. A hushed whisper took away the calm I had created for myself. An artificial injection of life and the ever detested burden of survival, brought me back to where I have always hated being.

Some alien force has lighted a candle within me. As the flame burns it uncovers all that I refuse to accept. The gusts intended to threaten this self indulgent passion only expose the hidden unpleasant more and more, making reality as unacceptable as all fantasy. Even when I try to give in to my outbursts, the persistent wavering of this stubborn flame brings me back to the pointless persistence of being and futile self justification.

And now I stand here again. Reluctant to give in to the dark and yet ambivalent to believe in the new found light. May be I cannot fight over this flame or the black alone. I need to see a reflection of the within to know. I have started carving again. This time I am carving a new face; a face I am yet to know. I try to rub some life into the stone in front of me. Can the slow movements of my nimble fingers bring an idol to life? Can my life permeate into cold hard matter? But as I sculpt with my bare fingers the face keeps changing. I cannot seem to focus on any one dimension. Will it help if I force myself to choose a direction? How can I decide without knowing where the road might lead? How can I decide when I do not know what tomorrow might bring. How can I decide the fate of a life I never even wanted?

(4:30 pm, 25th Dec 2004)