Self discovery

I always found class reunions boring and pointless; the same old people, the same meaningless small talk and the same gossip about different people. Why I went to the homecoming dinner that year, I cannot recall. Though, I do remember feeling utterly aloof and uninterested. I almost slept through the opening speech and the redundant list of what all had been achieved by the college alumnus in the past year. I sat amongst strangers pretending to applaud strangers.

The call for dinner was a relief only for a moment that was abruptly shattered by acquaintances who just could not wait to scream my name, shriek in faked excitement and hug me for a few mechanical seconds. I excused myself after a brief exchange of words and smiles that meant nothing to both parties. Everyone had started walking towards the dinner tables now. The seating arrangement was crowded so I just stepped aside to wait for the frantic greetings to subside.

I remained close to the window, even when most were done with filling their plates and settled in positions suitable to savor the loot. I was not feeling particularly hungry. In fact I was not feeling anything at all; not hot in the vanilla cashmere shawl I was wearing in an overheated hall, not uncomfortable in the stiletto heels my sister had forced me to put on and not tired of carrying the embroidered velvet shalwar kameez that weighed more than me. I stood alone staring at faces of people who knew how to make others laugh and never ran out of things to say. If anyone asked me whom was I looking at I am sure I would not have been able to answer. I was not searching a familiar face or envying a happy one. I was just staring…staring into nothingness, and the being of alien faces was never reason enough to fill the nothingness I always witnessed.

The realization of going there being a mistake and remaining there so long an even bigger mistake came late as ever. However, as soon as it did I did not waste another moment and stormed out of the hall. I had no one to say good bye to or leave my contact information with. I ran out of the hall and kept running till I was out of breath. I had passed the parking lot minutes ago and now I was on the road. The headlights of the cars seemed blinding so for once I changed my direction and headed in the same direction as everyone else. I kept running till my legs were tired and my toes bleeding. I had to run away…far away. I did not like these cars, these roads, this city and so much more. I had to go away. Right then I only knew I had to go away.

Looking back today I wonder if I was running away from the people, the cars, the streets, and the city or was I just running away from something more proximate. It only took years to realize what that something was and since that day laughter never seems too loud or the lights too bright.