the object of my affection

The object of my affection

Years ago I acquainted a stranger
I sought a reflection of myself in another being
I hoped to discover my own self in another

I breathed life in it with all my fears and hopes
I nurtured it with warmth and affection
I adorned it with all my dreams
I cleansed it often with my tears

Soon the idol and its human face found separate ways
I saw them depart yet I refused to accept the dichotomy

I worshipped my idol night and day
I dreamt of it coming to life one day

The idol stood cold and heavy on my heart
Years passed by and it never moved

There came a time I became disillusioned with my ideal
I mourned it for endless times
I stood by it through my anguish
I never set my eyes off it

I had immense faith in my creation
I was reluctant to embrace its reality

It took me forever to accept the true color of my deception
I took too long to realize I am not god

I lost faith in my god
I turned away from my idol
I shut out the stranger inside my mind

I ran so far away that the stranger and the idol both disappeared
I lived in denial for countless months

Self deception took me far but not far enough
I returned to check on the well being of my idol time and again

Every time I left it the idol weighed heavier on my heart
Every time I returned despair caught me by a greater force than before

There came a time I lost faith in me
I lost faith in all I used to be
It was at that time that I decided to redeem myself
That was when I reckoned change of heart essential

I took all my courage and decided never to walk away again
I must not leave the land on which my idol had stood for all these years
I must reclaim all the life I had imbued in to my idol

I took one last look at my cherished obsession
I stood still in admiration
I was fascinated by my own creation more than anything

And with all my strength I blew it apart
I struck my ideal down
I broke my idol with the same hands that had built it

My heart bled for what seemed like a lifetime
I suffered the grievance of freedom from emotion

Now I stand firm on my feet
My heart is warm again with dreams of a better day
My soul seeks strangers no more
I worship gods and idols no more


(December 11, 2005)