dommy maddy

I do not want to be a hostage to your shadow. I do not want to live my life standing behind the bars of your fears. I do not want my vision of the world to be tainted by your dreams. I do not want to be a prisoner of your experience.

I know you have made me who I am. I know you have invested a life time in me.

I know all these years you have stood by me. I know you have always given me all that I needed. I know you have always wanted the best for me.

I have taken from you all that you had to offer. I have given to you a lot that you did not deserve.

But I just want you to accept me for who I am. I just need you to understand that I am a person of my own. I have a mind and will of my own. And if you force me to fit the frame you have built for me. I will stop being me. That very moment I will stop being everything that makes me who I am.

I do not want to be an ungrateful child. I do not want to leave you when you need me the most. I do not want to betray your love.

I want to shine under your gaze. I want to blossom in the warmth of your smile.

I only want to be able to love you my own way.

post-merlin

The nights are long,

The mornings cold,

And the days dull.

Evenings stretch on endlessly,

And a heaviness weighs me down.

I know tomorrow will be a better day,

But at the moment it seems too far away

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I did not want to get out of bed today. I did not want to come to work. The toothpaste tasted bitter as I brushed my teeth. The water splash on my face pierced deep and cold.

The music from the speakers sounded like mere noise. All the colors in the wardrobe seemed equally dull.

The wheat crackers on the shelf remained aloof. Even a sip of water was a dreary thought.

I pulled myself together. I dragged my mass out of the house.

The ride on the way kept jolting my soul. I felt my nerves trembling with every bump.

I reached work in a numb state of mind.

I feel like a cushion today. I am soft to touch and nice to hold but I feel no affection in your embrace.

I taught for three hours. I said words I could not hear. I heard words I could not understand. I walked around the class. I watched over work I had assigned. Often I could not read what was written. Often I could not hear people calling to me.

I left the school at the same time as always. I hate being part of this routine.

The ride to the office was better than the morning commute. I found myself touched by unintended affection.

I asked a rickshaw driver how much he will charge. He said ‘aap jo bhi day dein baji’. I have heard this many a times before. I pressed him for a figure. He did not give in. I felt touched by his reluctance to be bothered.

I grabbed a sandwich on the way to work. Once at the office I paid him all the change I had. It was not a lot but it was more than I pay otherwise. It is trivial to even think about it. But it is shocking how one can be touched by things so insignificant. At times when we are vulnerable even the slightest things sink in deep. I think I am too numb to take note of the calamities around me yet too susceptible to overlook the slightest signs of humanity.

i am a simple soul

I am a simple soul. I believe in who I am. I say what I feel. I refuse to let thought adulterate impulse. I refuse to practice restraint. I believe in letting go. I believe in being me for you. I cannot put on a bold face. I will not act as who I am not.

I have lived all my life fighting to be who I am today. I will not give it up. I will not give it up even if it costs me you.

You walked in at your own will. I will not hold you back from walking away. It was my decision to let you in. I will not stop you from taking the way out.

I am honest in my word. I practice what I think. I express what I feel. I will not let fear of loss put any barriers on my instinct.

often, i imagine myself running

Often I imagine myself running. At times I am running through a crowd but more often I see myself running all alone. I feel out of breath and tired. Mostly, I feel drained to the point of dropping dead from exhaustion. Rarely, I feel tempted to take a break and catch up on my breath. May be sit down for a few idle moments and store up some energy for the journey ahead. But the journey is too long and I have too little time. So I must not stop. I keep telling myself not to stop. I keep pushing myself to run on.

I run on and on. And yet the road ahead seems never ending. I try to focus on what lies ahead and ignore all that I pass on my way.

I feel thirsty and alone. I feel hungry and cold. But I must not stop. I have come so far. I must not stop now.

In moments of despair I feel I am running in vain.

At times it seems I am getting somewhere but the illusion soon fades away.

Yet day and night, hour after hour I keep running.

Sudden revelation: happiness

Never thought a good pedicure could bring me such joy. I feel my skin soft and smooth. I find my feet pretty and light. It gives me a feeling of freshness I have not experienced before. I feel content in my skin. I feel happy with myself.

Working ten hours a day, teaching thirty hours every week and working Sundays too. I have turned in to a workaholic. I have so long dreaded turning in to a mechanical animal. I have always feared becoming a corporate slave. But today I feel the fear no more. The despair of all my negative thinking stands bleak. I sit here smiling to myself. I am happy. I am happy with life today.

A year or so ago, if someone told me money can buy happiness I would have frowned at the person and walked away. Today I smile at the irony of it all. I am working round the clock. I am making a lot of money. And I am happy.

I am happy because I can buy all the trivial things that I had never thought important. I can go around and shine in the warmth of my work. I love my job. And I love my company. I am paid well. And I work hard. I work with a sense of commitment. I work for a reason. I feel focus in my life. And what better can things be than getting a handsome pay check as a perk.

I had an idle evening today after weeks. I lazed around in my room reading friends’ blogs on the internet. I connected with myself and the world around. I went shopping and got myself a few things that I have been meaning to get for a while. Three pairs of shoes, a couple of books I really wanted to read and a bunch of cosmetics. The shopping spree made me feel in control. There is a feeling of power associated with being able to buy what you want. There is a feeling of self sufficiency and certainty attached with every purchase. I feel I am independent. I feel I can stand on my own feet. I feel I can last on my own.

Getting back home I gave myself a good pedicure. God bless ‘Freeman’ for ‘bare foot’. The aroma of its grains cleansed my soul of all weariness. I soaked my feet in its soft foam and read for almost an hour. I felt my soul cleansed of all uncertainties. I saw the future as a brighter day. I felt the need to live on. After so long I felt I have a reason to move on.

A wage slave or an automaton, call me whatever you may. But I am happy today. I am happy today and I love every bit of it. I dance around the room exhilarated. I jump on my two feet in joy. I am happy today. After a long time I feel I really am happy today.

I am happy because I am Branch Manager. I am happy because people at my company value my work. I am happy because my students love me. I am happy because I have pulled through my worst stretch of ill health. I am happy because I conquered illness without letting my work suffer. I am happy because I feel myself again. I am happy because I knocked an ulcer and two serious infections out of my body. I am happy because I feel healthy, rich and worthy. I am happy because I think I am falling in love. Yes, I am falling in love. I am falling in love with myself.

light at the end of the tunnel

The light at the end of the tunnel is what makes the tunnel exist. Extinguish the light and the tunnel disappears. Allow the flickering flame to fade in to darkness and the universe becomes a bleaker place to be. Lose the illusions of hope to the pains of today and tomorrow might be lost forever.

The meaning of pursuit lies in the desire of achievement. No matter when the moment of glory arrives. Regardless of whether the minute of success ever seals the endless ticking away of time or time fails to fulfill its self imposed test. Whether we wander all our life as transgressors or adhere to the drawn path forever. It is only the path that defines the end of the road. Embrace the road or create a direction of your own in wilderness. It is the journey towards the destination that will take you as far as you desire. The moment you stop believing in your path is the moment you will lose the chance of ever seeing the end. Hope as you might to leap towards the end, toil as you ever towards your aim. It is only when you reach where you desired to be that you realize what all you lost behind.

Why won't you let me be a chipmunk?

I was born a chipmunk. I know because when I was born they uttered the chipmunk gibberish in my ears. I am a chipmunk because the first spell I was taught was the holy chipmunk gibberish. They told me that the utterance of this spell made me a chipmunk. They told me stories of blessed ones who had been embraced in to the chipmunk kingdom by saying this spell. They told me the spell made one a chipmunk the moment it was uttered. I have uttered the spell day after day but it never works. They still tell me I am not a chipmunk.

As I grew old I was taught the chipmunk stunt. I can do it for you anytime you ask. I can utter the holy spell and do the chipmunk stunt. Yet they say I am not a chipmunk. I can roll on earth and rub my head against the ground for you. I can do it the way all the other chipmunks do. But they won’t let me do it with them. They do the chipmunk stunt many times a day but they never let me do it with them.

I can even recite chipmunk gibberish for you from the chipmunk book. I know bits of it by heart. I can read the book and say the gibberish just the way they do. Still they tell me I am not a chipmunk.

I know all their chipmunk gibberish. I do all their chipmunk stunts. I believe in all their chipmunk idols. And yet they do not accept me. Yet they do not embrace me. They tell me I am not a chipmunk. I do not know why. But I know they do not like me. They do not want me. They always reject me. Refuse me is all they do.

They have this chipmunk label. They put in on the green leaf that lets people move from one land to another. They won’t even let me put their chipmunk label on my green leaf. They say I cannot use their label. They say it’s a holy label. They say I am not holy. I am not a chipmunk. Only the chipmunks can use the holy label. They call me a gorilla. They put a gorilla label on my green leaf. I do not like the gorilla label. I do not want the gorilla label. I am not a gorilla. I am a chipmunk. Why? Why would you not let me be a chipmunk? I am a chipmunk. I jump and roll over like a chipmunk. How can I ever be a chipmunk? Would you please tell me? Why am I not a chipmunk?

gibberish

Sleep deprivation
An easy way to explain a state of mind
That eludes rationality

Boredom
Another excuse
Only as hollow as the feeling itself

Hollowness
A term as vague as love

Love
An overwhelming affection
Wholly contrary to the worth of self

Self
Another form of egocentric significance

Egocentricity
Mere exploitation of the will to dominate

Domination
An expression of moral degradation

Moral degradation
Labeled stigma of blasphemous change

Blasphemy
Self annihilation to reconstruct

Reconstruction
Another attempt at creation

Creation
The causal link for destruction
Destruction
Essence of progression

Progress
Another twist in the downward spiral

The downward spiral
A convenient explanation
Only that it escapes the fertile mind

The fertile mind
A self created dilemma

Dilemma
What better way to complicate freedom

Freedom
Only an idea to instigate choice

Choice
A mockery of free will

Free will
A synonym for destiny

Destiny
Rebellion against fate

Fate
All one fails to create

Failure
Facilitator of success

Success
Gravity of despair

Despair
An offspring of uncertainty

Uncertainty
The desire to know

Knowledge
A means of control

Control
An indication of impotence

Impotence
Aggravated fear of power

Power
A survival enhancing desire

Desire
What makes all else bizarre